Last night you had a last-minute request to play volleyball in Hammond, Indiana sports complex, where they host an open volleyball from 4pm-9pm. We didn’t really have plans, so within minutes, we were enroute to Hammond, IN. I really enjoy seeing you being active and playing a sport that you seem to like.

I am not sure you’ll be as competitive as I was when I was playing baseball – and that’s okay! We’re the same in many ways, but you’re your own person and I understand that you’re finding yourself. I can’t force my competitiveness onto you, and unlike my experiences with other fathers, I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my composure. Even then, it may not always be enough – because sometimes, in my quietest moments, I know my message can be too loud for you.

But again, even though we share plenty of similarities, we’re different. l can see your sensitive and beautiful nature – it’s something I wish I had more of. I believe my own sensitivity is still there, but I just react differently than you do to certain emotions. Over time, we learn and unlearn how to feel, or we simply respond differently based on our experiences. For our sake, I am aiming to change my responses.

We ended up doing about an hour of one-on-one practice running through a few different drills before you joined a casual, fun game with random people. I promise to bring some clothes on our next trip so that I can show you what a real athlete looks like on the court. But, it is such a pleasure to watch you enjoy something. It is such a pleasure to see you happy. I hope you can continue playing a sport that you love for as long as humanly possible. Being part of a volleyball team or any sport, will teach you lessons for the rest of your life.

We had a 45-minute drive home and I saw you looking out the window into what looked like blackness. Naturally, as any parent would do, I asked, “What are you staring at? And you replied, ” I don’t know, it looks pretty scary, it’s like the abyss.” When I heard you say that I was a little shocked and I don’t know why. I think I was impressed that you understood what that word meant. It’s honestly not a large word, but I think of that word in a more philosophical sense and I want you to do the same. The abyss – the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit- can be a terrifying idea. It can be considered your darkest, most embarrassing moments. Your faults, your failures, your mishaps, and the things you wish you never did or experienced. However, if you reflect on these instances, if you look long enough into the abyss, you can face these instances head on – then you can recreate yourself or at least learn from them. I hope you realize that the abyss is not as scary as you think because it is a form of yourself.

By staring long enough into the abyss, you will realize that it is simply a bed of feathers.

With love,

Your father!