Your birthday was yesterday. Mar and I had dinner plans for you at Eddie V’s because we know you love their truffle mac and cheese. Sadly, we didn’t get to take you because you canceled on me a couple weeks beforehand because you wanted to hang out with your friends afterschool and at your mom’s house. I’m not mad at that and even if I had any emotion, I would do my best to not let you know of it. However, I did and do feel someway about it. What way? That I don’t know. Like I said, I was not mad, but maybe I’m a little sad. I just felt and sort of feel a bit down about it and even though she’s not your birth mom, I know it affects Mar in a certain way too. She tries her best to stay out of it though because she, we, know that this stage in your life is sort of tricky. Anyways, at least I was able to see you on your birthday, since Mar and I took you and your friends out for ice cream. You ordered your favorite, one scoop of Rock Road ice cream. Incidentally, that was (and probably still is) my favorite icecream as child. I find it adorable when you eat chocolate ice cream because you always get it on your lips.

Parenting feels like a paradox. I’m not sure if it’s simply because I’m a father in a co-parenting situation or if parenting in general, is paradoxical. I say that because I recently realized (I’m sure I realized this before, but didn’t understand it) that in order to show you that I love you, I have to be open to not spending time with you. But because I love you, I want and wish I could spend more time with. I am the father that is permissive. Anytime you ask to reschedule a date, I allow it. Which is, like I said, not for a lack of wanting to spend time with you, but simply to allow you the opportunity to be you and to enjoy life with your friends. I just hope you don’t forget about me.

It’s too early to understand if this style of parenting will have a negative impact on your personality, social skills, future romantic and friendly relationships, or parenting skills (if you decide to have one). I do feel that it is certainly having an affect on our relationship. I do feel so disconnected with you, as if I am a stranger to you at times. I almost felt a little awkward yesterday when Mar and I took you out for ice cream. Not sure if that was because you are with your friends and I do my best to not embarrass you. Not that it’s hard not to because I understand what it’s like being your age. Remember, I was also a child at some point in the past.

Anyways, these were my thoughts for the day.

I love you!